Bringing Back the “Mama” Jokes: Mama Jokes 2.0

What was not to like about making fun of someone's mother? It was the great equalizer. You can be arguing with anyone, anytime, in any prominent position of authority, and a simple mother joke can cut into their heart like Katniss (an arrow to the heart while participating in the Hunger Games). Of course, the way of the mother joke has dwindled. All the good ones make references to products and characters that are obsolete (i.e. skittles, scratch and sniff stickers, cordless telephones, etc.). Here are some new and relevant mother jokes I have created for your perusal and later use:

 

1) Your mother's so fat, she inspired Apple to invent the “panoramic” camera mode for the iPhone 5.

2) Your mother smells so bad, when she was blind folded and asked what a room sprayed with 'Febreeze' smelled like, she answered, “the moisture in my fat folds”. When the room was re-sprayed and had other volunteers smell the room, they all answered, “the lingering odour of your mother's fat folds.”

3) Your mother is so fat, she'd personally volunteer herself for the Hunger Games just so she can have an excuse to eat an island full of children.

4) Your Mother's so fat, she has to stop by 2 places for dessert. First: Wendy's for a “Baconator” Second: Cold Stone Creamery, so they can fold a Baconator into an order of vanilla ice cream… on a waffle cone.

5) Your mother's teeth are so disheveled, she looks like Bane from 'the Dark Knight Rises'… (I know what you're thinking, “with the mask?”, no, without the mask, because his face was mangled in prison).

6) There are only two sounds that make a wizard shudder in disgust, the pronunciation of the name “Voldemort”, and the sound of your mother eating a Double Down from KFC.

Okay, that's all I got…. For now… Feel free to write your own in the comment box!

 

The Magic School Bus

It's another day at Blair Wood Elementary and there's a nervous vibe in the air; partially because mid-term report cards are just around the corner, but mainly, because the students are afraid of going on another field trip that will likely kill them all.

“It's 5 minutes after 9, maybe she's sick today?” Phoebe points out the time to Gregory in hope that she's right, “She's never late, and right now, she's definitely late.”

“Or AM I?”

Startled, the entire class jumps in their seats when they see Ms. Frizzle standing right behind them, as if she were there the entire time. “Good morning Ms. Frizzle,” the class greets her through the teeth of their forced smiles.

“I hope everyone enjoyed yesterdays trip to the Jurassic period!”, she looks at Molly, “What was your favorite part of the trip?”

The question prompts Molly to have a nervous flash back of the day's terrifying events. She tries to contain her shaking as memories of screaming, running, and scrambling for their lives race through her head. Tyrannosaurus to her left, Velocy Raptor to her right, they were running, always running… and of course, what happened to Carlos… oh the humanity…. “CARLOOOOOS!!!”

Molly begins to weep into her hands.

“Oh Molly, it sounds like you didn't quite enjoy yourself. And I believe we all agreed to NEVER mention Carlos ever again. You're not being a debby-downer are you? You know how I feel about debby-downers.” Ms. Frizzle says with a piercing look in her eye.

Molly immediately wipes her tears and throws a smile back on her face, “oh no no Ms. Frizzle! These are tears of…. Tears of joy! Ha ha.” If the students learned anything this year, it was to NOT upset Ms. Frizzle, and nothing upsets Ms. Frizzle more than a lack of enthusiasm.

“Then tell me Molly, if you really had that much fun, what was your favorite part?”

Molly pauses for a moment, “Uhhh…. The screaming?”

Ms. Frizzle glares at Molly in silence for an entire minute, then nods her head in approval, “Very good.” The class exhales in relief.

A smile returns to Ms. Frizzles face, “Now class, we've seen dinosaurs, tornadoes, shrunk ourselves as prey to insect wildlife; the list goes on. But there is one place we haven't yet gone, and if anyone guesses correctly, we might just be in for a treat! I'll give you all a hint, it's the opposite of 'Inner Space' ”

Ralph raises his hand, “Outer Space?”

Ms. Frizzles clasps her hands together, “You're right!”

The entire class glares angrily at Ralph. Mumbles of whispered “shut the fuck up Ralph” echoes through the room. Ralph apologetically shrinks into his seat, but it's too late. Ms. Frizzle has already begun to mumble dark verses of old latin. Her eyes roll to the back of her head and the room begins to go dark as she ceremoniously uses her magic to summon the School Bus.

The entire class trembles in there seats, but this time, Gregory stands up. “No! Nuh uh! Nope! Not gonna happen. I'm not going into space!”

Ms. Frizzle stops her chanting and gives her attention to Gregory, “Now now Gregory, where did our enthusiasm for science go?”

“Okay bitch, first of all, I'm going to say it! It has to be said,” Gregory ignores the fearful looks given from his classmates, “My 'ENTHUSIASM' for science died when I found out that magic exists! Freakin magic! Who cares how the hell 'the water cycle' works if I know a freakin MAGICAL SCHOOL BUS exists! Why aren’t we trying to learn more about the bus?!”

“Oh Gregory, I suggest you..”

“Not done yet bitch!” Gregory cuts her off, “And it's clear to me that you've known and used this magic for quite some time. So when, may I ask, were you going to try and use it to better the world?! Which brings me to my next question! Time Travel obviously exists because I was almost eaten twice by a freakin dinosaur! Why don't we go back in time and give someone the cure for small pox before the outbreak? Why don't we go back and throw some cold water on Hitler's parents before they decide to have sex?!”

Gregory takes a breath… and continues, “And what ever happened to the 'permission note'? It's school policy to get permission from the parents for field trips, ESPECIALLY when the field trip is some crazy ass death adventure! You think Carlos's parents would have signed a permission slip for him to get his di..”

Ralph interrupts, “We're not suppose to talk about what happened to Carl…”

“Shut the fuck up Ralph!”

Throughout Gregory's entire rant, Ms. Frizzle stands in place with an eerie demeanor, that is, until she points her finger at Ralph and yells, “FACTUS PECUS DE FRIGIDUS SANGUIS!”

The transformation was almost instant, and if you weren't paying attention, you'd think he disappeared. But he was there. On the floor. As a lizard.

Ms. Frizzle walks over and picks Gregory up from the floor, “I shall call you…. Liz!”

 

 

Robin Rises

“I have taught you everything I know and have left you with the skill to learn everything I don't. Today is your day, and, the demise of many who do not share our common view of justice.”

Dick Grayson stands before Bruce Wayne as the subtle sound of fluttering wings fill the dark cave in a ceremonious melody. “Today, I deem you worthy. Worthy to fight along my side as we, a team, strike fear into the hearts of the most heinous, the most cruel and vile, the most dangerous criminals in Gotham City. Today… You become a man.”

“But Mr. Wayne, I am only 8 years old. Even the jewish wait 'till… ”

“8 years old when you are merely Dick Grayson; A man when you dawn your cape and cowl to fight in the name of justice!”

Dick's eyes brighten with excitement, “No way! You got me a costume!?”

“I sure did,” Bruce produces a stern look on his face, “Just as my cape and cowl conceal my identity and strike fear into the hearts of criminals, yours shall serve the same purpose. Stealth, concealment, fear, justice… Behold!” Bruce tears away the satin sheet unveiling the bright orange, forest greens, and neon yellows of Dick's new fatigues.

Dick is momentarily stunned by what he sees, “It's… It's very bright.”

“What is it Dick? You don't like it?”

“No. Nooo… It's just that,” he thinks carefully of what to say, “It's not that I don't like it… It's just that you've always taught me to stay out of sight, fight in the shadows, and then surprise the enemy when they least expect it. I just don't see how I would be able to remain as stealthy…”

Bruce cuts him off, “And surprised they shall be! Just put yourself in the enemy's shoes. Imagine your yellow cape fluttering in the wind as your smooth bare legs pound the ground towards them. They won't be able to take their sights off you.”

“Well, it's hard to put myself in someone else's shoes if I'm wearing those… elf shoes.”

“Ha! Fantastic aren't they?!”

Dick inspects the shoes further and decides not to mention the small strands of yarn hanging from the tips of each shoe- likely where bells had originally been stitched onto. Then again, judging by the consistency of the costume, Dick is surprised Wayne didn't leave the bells on.

Dick has a small revelation, “This costume is almost like, you want me to be a target… Wait, am I suppose to be your diversion?!”

“And a fine diversion you'll be! But with all eyes on you, don't forget the most important rule: Conceal your identity. Here.” Bruce hands Dick a thin green bandana.

“But… This won't conceal my identity at all! And you said! You said that if the villains were to find my identity, everyone I know will be endangered!”

Bruce shakes his head and laughs, “Haha! Don't be silly! Everyone you know is dead! Remember the trapeze incident?”

“….Yes I remember…”

“Good! Now onto the next matter of importance! Your name!”

A momentary look of excitement returns to Dick's face. Bruce proceeds, “I recall the first day I found this cave; the fear. Oh, the exhilaration of fear I felt as that demon rodent flew towards me. Ears pointed, wings flapping, teeth glistening with infectious disease; I knew I wanted all those I hated to feel the same fear in which that bat inspired in myself. Henceforth, I am Batman. You Dick, you shall also be named after a winged beast. A flying dynamo of truth and fury. You shall be named, ROBIN!”

“…like Robin Hood?”

“No. The bird.”

“…”

“You shall rewrite the history of the Graysons and fly! Fly with glory!.. You know, because the Grayson's don't fly very well. Remember Dick? Remember the trapeze accident?”

“… Yes… I remember…”

“Splendid! Now, your first mission,” The serious look returns onto Bruce's face, “Bane.”

Robin's jaw momentarily drops, “Ya. I guess together, we'll get him.”

“Oh no no. I won't be coming with you. My back still isn't ready for that kind of rematch. But I have faith in you! Just remember to be careful, the last time I fought Bane… Well…. He broke my back. So, keep your guard up because he's REALLY good at breaking backs! I mean, he just picked me up and snapped me like a twig. So in summary, he's really good at breaking backs, and you… well… you're only 8 years old.”

“But you said I was a man today…”

“Okay! Off you go! Here, take the bat vespa! Good luck!”

_______________________________

“I have taught you everything I know and have left you with the skill to learn everything I don't. Today is your day, and, the demise of many who do not share our common view of justice.”

Tim Drake stands before Bruce Wayne as the subtle sound of fluttering wings fill the dark cave in a ceremonious melody. “Today, I deem you worthy..”

 

10 Signs that show you have too much “All You Can Eat Sushi”

;
All-You-Can-Eat-Sushi is not a meal, it's a privilege. It's that guilty pleasure we all like to do, and we do it knowing we have the entire Pacific Ocean separating us from a few thousand japanese sushi chefs that would murder us all if they knew we were committing these atrocities. Sushi is a delicacy, it’s meant to be eaten and savoured in small morsels, but North America “DON'T DO MORSELS”. Morsels get dun' don't do done… did.. Silence! You think this is a game!? This ain't a game son! It's easy, so easy for this to all get out of hand. One night, you're saying to yourself, “what?! A pizza AND sushi in one?! that sounds fun!”… and next thing you know, your wife's left you, you're wanted by the FBI for copyright infringement, and you're diagnosed with shingles. I don't know how that all came from over doing all-you-can-eat-sushi, but don't let it be you! Read these tell-tale signs to know if you eat too much AYCES!

1) You resist ordering Miso Soup and/or Salad because you know that'll just take up precious space in your stomach.

2) When the waiter comes, you don't order “just a little now” in hopes that you can “conveniently” order something later. You spend AT LEAST 10 minutes of his time ordering everything you want and everything you THINK you'll want because you know you'll never see him again for the rest of the night… Unless he brings you food that belongs to another table.

3) If the waiter accidentally brings you food that belongs to another table, you eat from the plate as quickly as possible. You know you have a small window of opportunity before the waiter realizes his mistake and takes the plate away. Therefore, you get to sample someone else's food without committing to the entire plate.

4) When the bill comes, you're the one that tells everyone not to leave a tip because you KNOW that the gratuity is already included in the bill. Then some a-hole will for sure double check and say “i don't see where they added the tip..” Without even glancing at the bill, you lean back and say “look under the HST… the initials SC stands for service charge.”

5) You know ordering fish in the form of Hand-rolls and maki is the equivalent to flushing your money away. Why fill up on all that rice? You are conditioned to go for it's pure source…. Sashimi.

6) You start ordering from the “cooked” menu. You've long passed the time where you only order hoards of raw fish to get your money's worth. You're sick of sushi now… It's time to explore what else Japan has to offer.

7) You don't save room for “dessert” because you know dessert is just a dismal selection of freezer burned green tea, vanilla, or strawberry ice cream. You might be enticed by a “pudding” option, but you've been burned enough times with artificial jello mix to know to ask the waiter if the “pudding” is made with real fruit and carnation milk.

8) If you want to order more food, you throw all “restaurant etiquette” for calling a waiter out the window. You raise your hand, call out loud, and possibly snap your fingers. Rookies don't understand that AYCES waiters are professionals at avoiding eye contact.

9) If the food looks off color, you eat it anyways. Health and safety regulations don't exist here. Your standard for “off colour” is much more tolerant than someone who is use to ordering A-La-Carte. Besides, you eat it so often, your stomach has already developed a natural immunity to almost all bacteria colonies found in bad fish.

10) When your table has hit their limit and can't finish all the food on the table, you know all the best places to hide the food so that you won't be charged for the leftovers.

-Under the wax paper of the wicker basket if you ordered tempura.

-In the tea pot.

-chewing up left overs into a paste and spitting it into balled up tissue paper.

– Stack the plates in an attempt to “tidy” the “empty” plates but really just smooshing the food flat with each plate on top of the other.

-eating just the fish on the sushi and then scattering the left over rice here and there to give it the appearance you're just a messy eater.

-stuffing your cheeks with what you can and make repeated trips to the washroom (this is more of a desperation move, and is not as common).

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Tonight, we dine in hell!

I'm always perplexed by the show “Hell's Kitchen”. As far as reality-shows go, I think it's quite entertaining, but what confuses me is the restaurant “Hell's Kitchen” within the show itself. Before the dinner service, you get footage of lambourghinis, limosines, and other expensive vehicles pulling up to the restaurant's valet. EVERY dinner service is a full house comprised of customers that look quite rich and well-off– basically, people with the means to eat wherever the hell they want. WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY DO THEY CONTINUE TO EAT THERE?! Do they not understand what this show is about? 9 years it's been on television and it's no secret what these patrons are to expect for their dining experience.
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Near the outskirts of La Brea Avenue- one of the more sheik and classy dwellings of Los Angeles- Lester Cummings and his wife Mandy Cummings decide where they wish to dine for the night. Being co-marital owners of the city's most successful Pool and Hot Tub retail outlet “Wet Cummings”, money and reservation times are no object or hinderance to them at all. The city's culinary offerings are their oyster.

Mandy: Lester dear, what ever shall we eat for dinner tonight? I'm famished.

Lester: Well, I've been really craving a Beef Wellington.

Mandy: Oh! Why don't we dine at The Royce, I hear their chef is renowned!

Lester: No. I don't want my food cooked by a chef.

Mandy: … oh, well who would you like it cooked by then?

Lester: I want my food cooked by an ex-convict or preferably a crack addicted single teen mother. The key is that they have no culinary experience at all.

Mandy: Oh, does someone like that cook a beef wellington particularly well?

Lester: No, the idea is that we wait for about an hour before our order finally arrives, and then, we'll see it is so poorly cooked that we'll have to send it back.

Mandy: Okay. So, we're looking for somewhere with good service then?

Lester: No. When I send my order back and complain about the wellington, I want to be yelled at by the owner… REALLY yelled at… Humiliated even.. Preferably by someone with a crass english accent who's not afraid to swear around children.

Mandy: Decor important to you?

Lester: I'm glad you asked. I want the front of the restaurant to feel inviting. I'm thinking; ominous red glowing lights. Oh, and I want bursts of flames that spontaneously combust right at the door's entrance, thus, making the door both the fire exit and fire hazard at the same time.

There is a moment of silence between the two before they're both struck by the same idea. They look into each other's eyes and simultaneously yell in a fit of joy:

Mandy/Lester: HELL'S KITCHEN!

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To Love and Loathe: Part 1

PREMISE: So here's the idea; I take a picture from a random image generator that pulls it's source from instagram, twitter, tumblr, etc. I take one that stands out, and then, I get to work. Like the title suggests, I will proceed to switch between viciously insulting the picture to giving it a sincere and loving compliment. Do not take offense, this is an exercise in EXTREMES. Note: Upon loading each new segment, it will be open to a CONTEST in the comments section (See 'ABOUT' section for contest rules). Okay, enough talk… Let's do this.
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Love: I am very impressed by your jaw line. You remind me of a young Reese Witherspoon.

Loathe: This picture shares more similarities to the movie 'Terminator' than you think. In Terminator, an assassin cyborg goes back in time to eliminate a young boy who would have grown to become a great General. In reality, if time travel existed, your mother would probably travel back in time to have an abortion.

Love: Your sunglasses are completely opaque, if I played against you in poker, I would not be able to read your facial features AT ALL, unless you clench your jaw.

Loathe: They say to never hit a man with glasses, but judging by all the finger prints on your lenses, I'm assuming your abusive boyfriend couldn't help himself.

Love: I admire a man who doesn't give into social norms like 'smiling for the camera'. You seem like a man who has much to smile about.

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*CONTEST: Today is December 12, 2012. Leave in the comments box your own love or loathe comment! The contest will be open for a week, and at the end, I will choose my favourite comment. Reminder, it is a lot easier to Love than to Loathe… Be original (but also, try and match my taste 😉 ).
PRIZE: The winner will receive my own copy of “50 Shades of Grey” where within the pages, I will have it signed with my very first blog doodles AND a personal dirty limerick dedicated to YOU. I will also have a page created to the winners of my contests, and your name will be immortalized FOREVER.