Bringing Back the “Mama” Jokes: Mama Jokes 2.0

What was not to like about making fun of someone's mother? It was the great equalizer. You can be arguing with anyone, anytime, in any prominent position of authority, and a simple mother joke can cut into their heart like Katniss (an arrow to the heart while participating in the Hunger Games). Of course, the way of the mother joke has dwindled. All the good ones make references to products and characters that are obsolete (i.e. skittles, scratch and sniff stickers, cordless telephones, etc.). Here are some new and relevant mother jokes I have created for your perusal and later use:

 

1) Your mother's so fat, she inspired Apple to invent the “panoramic” camera mode for the iPhone 5.

2) Your mother smells so bad, when she was blind folded and asked what a room sprayed with 'Febreeze' smelled like, she answered, “the moisture in my fat folds”. When the room was re-sprayed and had other volunteers smell the room, they all answered, “the lingering odour of your mother's fat folds.”

3) Your mother is so fat, she'd personally volunteer herself for the Hunger Games just so she can have an excuse to eat an island full of children.

4) Your Mother's so fat, she has to stop by 2 places for dessert. First: Wendy's for a “Baconator” Second: Cold Stone Creamery, so they can fold a Baconator into an order of vanilla ice cream… on a waffle cone.

5) Your mother's teeth are so disheveled, she looks like Bane from 'the Dark Knight Rises'… (I know what you're thinking, “with the mask?”, no, without the mask, because his face was mangled in prison).

6) There are only two sounds that make a wizard shudder in disgust, the pronunciation of the name “Voldemort”, and the sound of your mother eating a Double Down from KFC.

Okay, that's all I got…. For now… Feel free to write your own in the comment box!

 

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To Love and Loathe: Part 1

PREMISE: So here's the idea; I take a picture from a random image generator that pulls it's source from instagram, twitter, tumblr, etc. I take one that stands out, and then, I get to work. Like the title suggests, I will proceed to switch between viciously insulting the picture to giving it a sincere and loving compliment. Do not take offense, this is an exercise in EXTREMES. Note: Upon loading each new segment, it will be open to a CONTEST in the comments section (See 'ABOUT' section for contest rules). Okay, enough talk… Let's do this.
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Love: I am very impressed by your jaw line. You remind me of a young Reese Witherspoon.

Loathe: This picture shares more similarities to the movie 'Terminator' than you think. In Terminator, an assassin cyborg goes back in time to eliminate a young boy who would have grown to become a great General. In reality, if time travel existed, your mother would probably travel back in time to have an abortion.

Love: Your sunglasses are completely opaque, if I played against you in poker, I would not be able to read your facial features AT ALL, unless you clench your jaw.

Loathe: They say to never hit a man with glasses, but judging by all the finger prints on your lenses, I'm assuming your abusive boyfriend couldn't help himself.

Love: I admire a man who doesn't give into social norms like 'smiling for the camera'. You seem like a man who has much to smile about.

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*CONTEST: Today is December 12, 2012. Leave in the comments box your own love or loathe comment! The contest will be open for a week, and at the end, I will choose my favourite comment. Reminder, it is a lot easier to Love than to Loathe… Be original (but also, try and match my taste 😉 ).
PRIZE: The winner will receive my own copy of “50 Shades of Grey” where within the pages, I will have it signed with my very first blog doodles AND a personal dirty limerick dedicated to YOU. I will also have a page created to the winners of my contests, and your name will be immortalized FOREVER.