Bringing Back the “Mama” Jokes: Mama Jokes 2.0

What was not to like about making fun of someone's mother? It was the great equalizer. You can be arguing with anyone, anytime, in any prominent position of authority, and a simple mother joke can cut into their heart like Katniss (an arrow to the heart while participating in the Hunger Games). Of course, the way of the mother joke has dwindled. All the good ones make references to products and characters that are obsolete (i.e. skittles, scratch and sniff stickers, cordless telephones, etc.). Here are some new and relevant mother jokes I have created for your perusal and later use:

 

1) Your mother's so fat, she inspired Apple to invent the “panoramic” camera mode for the iPhone 5.

2) Your mother smells so bad, when she was blind folded and asked what a room sprayed with 'Febreeze' smelled like, she answered, “the moisture in my fat folds”. When the room was re-sprayed and had other volunteers smell the room, they all answered, “the lingering odour of your mother's fat folds.”

3) Your mother is so fat, she'd personally volunteer herself for the Hunger Games just so she can have an excuse to eat an island full of children.

4) Your Mother's so fat, she has to stop by 2 places for dessert. First: Wendy's for a “Baconator” Second: Cold Stone Creamery, so they can fold a Baconator into an order of vanilla ice cream… on a waffle cone.

5) Your mother's teeth are so disheveled, she looks like Bane from 'the Dark Knight Rises'… (I know what you're thinking, “with the mask?”, no, without the mask, because his face was mangled in prison).

6) There are only two sounds that make a wizard shudder in disgust, the pronunciation of the name “Voldemort”, and the sound of your mother eating a Double Down from KFC.

Okay, that's all I got…. For now… Feel free to write your own in the comment box!

 

Robin Rises

“I have taught you everything I know and have left you with the skill to learn everything I don't. Today is your day, and, the demise of many who do not share our common view of justice.”

Dick Grayson stands before Bruce Wayne as the subtle sound of fluttering wings fill the dark cave in a ceremonious melody. “Today, I deem you worthy. Worthy to fight along my side as we, a team, strike fear into the hearts of the most heinous, the most cruel and vile, the most dangerous criminals in Gotham City. Today… You become a man.”

“But Mr. Wayne, I am only 8 years old. Even the jewish wait 'till… ”

“8 years old when you are merely Dick Grayson; A man when you dawn your cape and cowl to fight in the name of justice!”

Dick's eyes brighten with excitement, “No way! You got me a costume!?”

“I sure did,” Bruce produces a stern look on his face, “Just as my cape and cowl conceal my identity and strike fear into the hearts of criminals, yours shall serve the same purpose. Stealth, concealment, fear, justice… Behold!” Bruce tears away the satin sheet unveiling the bright orange, forest greens, and neon yellows of Dick's new fatigues.

Dick is momentarily stunned by what he sees, “It's… It's very bright.”

“What is it Dick? You don't like it?”

“No. Nooo… It's just that,” he thinks carefully of what to say, “It's not that I don't like it… It's just that you've always taught me to stay out of sight, fight in the shadows, and then surprise the enemy when they least expect it. I just don't see how I would be able to remain as stealthy…”

Bruce cuts him off, “And surprised they shall be! Just put yourself in the enemy's shoes. Imagine your yellow cape fluttering in the wind as your smooth bare legs pound the ground towards them. They won't be able to take their sights off you.”

“Well, it's hard to put myself in someone else's shoes if I'm wearing those… elf shoes.”

“Ha! Fantastic aren't they?!”

Dick inspects the shoes further and decides not to mention the small strands of yarn hanging from the tips of each shoe- likely where bells had originally been stitched onto. Then again, judging by the consistency of the costume, Dick is surprised Wayne didn't leave the bells on.

Dick has a small revelation, “This costume is almost like, you want me to be a target… Wait, am I suppose to be your diversion?!”

“And a fine diversion you'll be! But with all eyes on you, don't forget the most important rule: Conceal your identity. Here.” Bruce hands Dick a thin green bandana.

“But… This won't conceal my identity at all! And you said! You said that if the villains were to find my identity, everyone I know will be endangered!”

Bruce shakes his head and laughs, “Haha! Don't be silly! Everyone you know is dead! Remember the trapeze incident?”

“….Yes I remember…”

“Good! Now onto the next matter of importance! Your name!”

A momentary look of excitement returns to Dick's face. Bruce proceeds, “I recall the first day I found this cave; the fear. Oh, the exhilaration of fear I felt as that demon rodent flew towards me. Ears pointed, wings flapping, teeth glistening with infectious disease; I knew I wanted all those I hated to feel the same fear in which that bat inspired in myself. Henceforth, I am Batman. You Dick, you shall also be named after a winged beast. A flying dynamo of truth and fury. You shall be named, ROBIN!”

“…like Robin Hood?”

“No. The bird.”

“…”

“You shall rewrite the history of the Graysons and fly! Fly with glory!.. You know, because the Grayson's don't fly very well. Remember Dick? Remember the trapeze accident?”

“… Yes… I remember…”

“Splendid! Now, your first mission,” The serious look returns onto Bruce's face, “Bane.”

Robin's jaw momentarily drops, “Ya. I guess together, we'll get him.”

“Oh no no. I won't be coming with you. My back still isn't ready for that kind of rematch. But I have faith in you! Just remember to be careful, the last time I fought Bane… Well…. He broke my back. So, keep your guard up because he's REALLY good at breaking backs! I mean, he just picked me up and snapped me like a twig. So in summary, he's really good at breaking backs, and you… well… you're only 8 years old.”

“But you said I was a man today…”

“Okay! Off you go! Here, take the bat vespa! Good luck!”

_______________________________

“I have taught you everything I know and have left you with the skill to learn everything I don't. Today is your day, and, the demise of many who do not share our common view of justice.”

Tim Drake stands before Bruce Wayne as the subtle sound of fluttering wings fill the dark cave in a ceremonious melody. “Today, I deem you worthy..”