The Magic School Bus

It's another day at Blair Wood Elementary and there's a nervous vibe in the air; partially because mid-term report cards are just around the corner, but mainly, because the students are afraid of going on another field trip that will likely kill them all.

“It's 5 minutes after 9, maybe she's sick today?” Phoebe points out the time to Gregory in hope that she's right, “She's never late, and right now, she's definitely late.”

“Or AM I?”

Startled, the entire class jumps in their seats when they see Ms. Frizzle standing right behind them, as if she were there the entire time. “Good morning Ms. Frizzle,” the class greets her through the teeth of their forced smiles.

“I hope everyone enjoyed yesterdays trip to the Jurassic period!”, she looks at Molly, “What was your favorite part of the trip?”

The question prompts Molly to have a nervous flash back of the day's terrifying events. She tries to contain her shaking as memories of screaming, running, and scrambling for their lives race through her head. Tyrannosaurus to her left, Velocy Raptor to her right, they were running, always running… and of course, what happened to Carlos… oh the humanity…. “CARLOOOOOS!!!”

Molly begins to weep into her hands.

“Oh Molly, it sounds like you didn't quite enjoy yourself. And I believe we all agreed to NEVER mention Carlos ever again. You're not being a debby-downer are you? You know how I feel about debby-downers.” Ms. Frizzle says with a piercing look in her eye.

Molly immediately wipes her tears and throws a smile back on her face, “oh no no Ms. Frizzle! These are tears of…. Tears of joy! Ha ha.” If the students learned anything this year, it was to NOT upset Ms. Frizzle, and nothing upsets Ms. Frizzle more than a lack of enthusiasm.

“Then tell me Molly, if you really had that much fun, what was your favorite part?”

Molly pauses for a moment, “Uhhh…. The screaming?”

Ms. Frizzle glares at Molly in silence for an entire minute, then nods her head in approval, “Very good.” The class exhales in relief.

A smile returns to Ms. Frizzles face, “Now class, we've seen dinosaurs, tornadoes, shrunk ourselves as prey to insect wildlife; the list goes on. But there is one place we haven't yet gone, and if anyone guesses correctly, we might just be in for a treat! I'll give you all a hint, it's the opposite of 'Inner Space' ”

Ralph raises his hand, “Outer Space?”

Ms. Frizzles clasps her hands together, “You're right!”

The entire class glares angrily at Ralph. Mumbles of whispered “shut the fuck up Ralph” echoes through the room. Ralph apologetically shrinks into his seat, but it's too late. Ms. Frizzle has already begun to mumble dark verses of old latin. Her eyes roll to the back of her head and the room begins to go dark as she ceremoniously uses her magic to summon the School Bus.

The entire class trembles in there seats, but this time, Gregory stands up. “No! Nuh uh! Nope! Not gonna happen. I'm not going into space!”

Ms. Frizzle stops her chanting and gives her attention to Gregory, “Now now Gregory, where did our enthusiasm for science go?”

“Okay bitch, first of all, I'm going to say it! It has to be said,” Gregory ignores the fearful looks given from his classmates, “My 'ENTHUSIASM' for science died when I found out that magic exists! Freakin magic! Who cares how the hell 'the water cycle' works if I know a freakin MAGICAL SCHOOL BUS exists! Why aren’t we trying to learn more about the bus?!”

“Oh Gregory, I suggest you..”

“Not done yet bitch!” Gregory cuts her off, “And it's clear to me that you've known and used this magic for quite some time. So when, may I ask, were you going to try and use it to better the world?! Which brings me to my next question! Time Travel obviously exists because I was almost eaten twice by a freakin dinosaur! Why don't we go back in time and give someone the cure for small pox before the outbreak? Why don't we go back and throw some cold water on Hitler's parents before they decide to have sex?!”

Gregory takes a breath… and continues, “And what ever happened to the 'permission note'? It's school policy to get permission from the parents for field trips, ESPECIALLY when the field trip is some crazy ass death adventure! You think Carlos's parents would have signed a permission slip for him to get his di..”

Ralph interrupts, “We're not suppose to talk about what happened to Carl…”

“Shut the fuck up Ralph!”

Throughout Gregory's entire rant, Ms. Frizzle stands in place with an eerie demeanor, that is, until she points her finger at Ralph and yells, “FACTUS PECUS DE FRIGIDUS SANGUIS!”

The transformation was almost instant, and if you weren't paying attention, you'd think he disappeared. But he was there. On the floor. As a lizard.

Ms. Frizzle walks over and picks Gregory up from the floor, “I shall call you…. Liz!”




Captain Planet

Off the coast of a small land mass in the Antarctic, a fleet of oil tankers prepare to unload a few tons of unusable crude oil into the water. Along the fact that the general area is completely out of satellite visibility, the ships themselves are unmarked, thus, making the environmental attrocity about to happen completely untraceable. The crew moves casually with the belief that their actions will never be tied to the company or themselves- little do they know, just a few yards away, a team of earth's best do-gooders are observing and waiting for their attack; the Planeteers.

As Wheeler's ring carefully emits a slow amber glow to provide warmth for the rest of the group, he observes the tankers across the icy water through a pair of binoculars. “Looks like we're going to have to call on Captain Planet for this job,” he says, noting the fact that most of the crew members on the ship are armed with automatic rifles.

The five of them thrust their fists into the air and simultaneously call out their elements; Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart. Streams of light shoot into the air and intersect hundreds of meters in the sky, forming a brilliant assortment of colors. His form begins to take shape, and with a final eruption of white light, Captain Planet is summoned.

“From the power of all the elements combined, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET! I'm about to get REAL on these n*ggas!”

“Wait… what did he just say?” Kwame looks back at the other Planeteers.

Without wasting any time, Captain Planet immediately sets his attack on the lead the tanker as he sends waves of icy water crashing into it's side. Most of the crew is washed overboard except for one who immediatley begins to spray bullets wildly into the air. Captain Planet dodges them with ease, “N*gga please! You're wasting your time!”

“Okay… I'm sure he said the N-word this time. I should say something.”

As Captain Planet dodges the lone survivor's bullets, he is caught unaware of the second tanker sneaking up behind him. With guns cocked and ready, the crew men take aim. Almost too late, Captain America takes notice of the ambush transpiring behind him and yells to Kwame, “Yo Brotha! I need the power of Earth to make some tremors! Shake'em up n*gga! Shake’em up!”

“Brotha?”, Kwame pauses, “O..Okay Cap'… But before I do, I just wanted to say tha……”

“NOW KWAME!” Captain screams.

Kwame immediately lifts up his ring and begins to shake the ice surrounding the other tankers. Before any of the crew men can fire off a shot at him, the ships capsize into the water while safely containing it's deadly contents within the hauls.

Captain Planet joins the other planeteers. “Good shooting ma' brotha”, he says while holding his fist towards Kwame. Kwame reluctantly touches his fist to the Captain's.

“So, you had something you wanted to say, you can tell me anything! Go ahead ma' chocolately nig…”

“YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD! Or talk like that! You're not black!”

Captain Planet is taken aback, “Well, I am sorry you feel that way! But, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET! Forged by the five elements! One of them being Earth! An element from Mother Africa! So, you see Kwame, I am just as black as you.”

“Well, no, you're not. Your skin is more like a dull greyish blue. And your hair is green… And permed… I'm actually not sure what you are exac…”

“I have no time to argue! I must round up the rest of these crewmen before they drown. Gi, I need your help, I can see that most of these men are Japanese. I need you to tell them that they will not be harmed and that…”

“I'm not Japanese.”


Gi clears her throat, “I'm Chinese.”

“Oh, okay, I see what's going on here. You're all taking me for a little ride aren't you?! Trying to pull a fast one on old Cap'y P! I suppose the next thing you're gonna tell me is that Linka and Wheeler aren't white! And that Ma-Ti isn't Mexican!”

Ma-Ti interrupts his rant, “I'm not Mexican… I'm Indian.”

Captain Planet immediatley keels over and throws up a pool of green vomit on the floor. His body begins to shrink and dissipate into the air.

“What's happening?!”

“The negative energy from his racist thoughts and actions are taking away his powers! He's falling apart!”, Wheeler explains to the rest of the group.

“I'm Captain Planet! You can't even understand on my level… you… honkee… little…” Before he could finish another one of his rants, he disappears.

“I know were suppose to care for the environment and love every person on Earth regardless of the colour of their skin… But… Fuck Blue People!” The rest of the Planeteers nod their heads in agreement.