Captain Planet

Off the coast of a small land mass in the Antarctic, a fleet of oil tankers prepare to unload a few tons of unusable crude oil into the water. Along the fact that the general area is completely out of satellite visibility, the ships themselves are unmarked, thus, making the environmental attrocity about to happen completely untraceable. The crew moves casually with the belief that their actions will never be tied to the company or themselves- little do they know, just a few yards away, a team of earth's best do-gooders are observing and waiting for their attack; the Planeteers.

As Wheeler's ring carefully emits a slow amber glow to provide warmth for the rest of the group, he observes the tankers across the icy water through a pair of binoculars. “Looks like we're going to have to call on Captain Planet for this job,” he says, noting the fact that most of the crew members on the ship are armed with automatic rifles.

The five of them thrust their fists into the air and simultaneously call out their elements; Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart. Streams of light shoot into the air and intersect hundreds of meters in the sky, forming a brilliant assortment of colors. His form begins to take shape, and with a final eruption of white light, Captain Planet is summoned.

“From the power of all the elements combined, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET! I'm about to get REAL on these n*ggas!”

“Wait… what did he just say?” Kwame looks back at the other Planeteers.

Without wasting any time, Captain Planet immediately sets his attack on the lead the tanker as he sends waves of icy water crashing into it's side. Most of the crew is washed overboard except for one who immediatley begins to spray bullets wildly into the air. Captain Planet dodges them with ease, “N*gga please! You're wasting your time!”

“Okay… I'm sure he said the N-word this time. I should say something.”

As Captain Planet dodges the lone survivor's bullets, he is caught unaware of the second tanker sneaking up behind him. With guns cocked and ready, the crew men take aim. Almost too late, Captain America takes notice of the ambush transpiring behind him and yells to Kwame, “Yo Brotha! I need the power of Earth to make some tremors! Shake'em up n*gga! Shake’em up!”

“Brotha?”, Kwame pauses, “O..Okay Cap'… But before I do, I just wanted to say tha……”

“NOW KWAME!” Captain screams.

Kwame immediately lifts up his ring and begins to shake the ice surrounding the other tankers. Before any of the crew men can fire off a shot at him, the ships capsize into the water while safely containing it's deadly contents within the hauls.

Captain Planet joins the other planeteers. “Good shooting ma' brotha”, he says while holding his fist towards Kwame. Kwame reluctantly touches his fist to the Captain's.

“So, you had something you wanted to say, you can tell me anything! Go ahead ma' chocolately nig…”

“YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD! Or talk like that! You're not black!”

Captain Planet is taken aback, “Well, I am sorry you feel that way! But, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET! Forged by the five elements! One of them being Earth! An element from Mother Africa! So, you see Kwame, I am just as black as you.”

“Well, no, you're not. Your skin is more like a dull greyish blue. And your hair is green… And permed… I'm actually not sure what you are exac…”

“I have no time to argue! I must round up the rest of these crewmen before they drown. Gi, I need your help, I can see that most of these men are Japanese. I need you to tell them that they will not be harmed and that…”

“I'm not Japanese.”


Gi clears her throat, “I'm Chinese.”

“Oh, okay, I see what's going on here. You're all taking me for a little ride aren't you?! Trying to pull a fast one on old Cap'y P! I suppose the next thing you're gonna tell me is that Linka and Wheeler aren't white! And that Ma-Ti isn't Mexican!”

Ma-Ti interrupts his rant, “I'm not Mexican… I'm Indian.”

Captain Planet immediatley keels over and throws up a pool of green vomit on the floor. His body begins to shrink and dissipate into the air.

“What's happening?!”

“The negative energy from his racist thoughts and actions are taking away his powers! He's falling apart!”, Wheeler explains to the rest of the group.

“I'm Captain Planet! You can't even understand on my level… you… honkee… little…” Before he could finish another one of his rants, he disappears.

“I know were suppose to care for the environment and love every person on Earth regardless of the colour of their skin… But… Fuck Blue People!” The rest of the Planeteers nod their heads in agreement.




One thought on “Captain Planet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s